This Is It
by di311
Summary: Post High Fidelity. Ashley is back and she and Craig decide to become friends again, but will it stay that way? My very first ff.
1. Carbon

Post-High Fidelity. Continues from Craig looking over at Ashley and Ellie. Total Crash story! Point of views in each chapter will alternate between Craig and Ashley, though I will specify before each chapter.

This is my attempt at fixing the mess the Degrassi writer's have made of Craig and Ashley's relationship since Going Down the Road (though I don't discount that they may fix it themselves sooner or later! )). None of the character's are mine. This will have some Cranny in the beginning, and I'll try to be as nice to them as possible. But this will end up a Crash story. Dedicated to my fellow Angsty Artists at fan forum; especially Nikki, Ria, and Kathy! ) My first fic that totally took me by surprise because I never thought I would write anything really! Reviews are extremely appreciated!

Chapter 1: Carbon

Craig's point of view.

_Song credit: "Carbon" by Tori Amos (in italics)_

_carbon-made found her at the end of a chain_

"_time to race" she said "race the downhill"_

When I first saw her, I forgot everything. Forgot where I was, why I was there, and what I was doing. Ashley Kerwin. God it felt like decades since I last saw her. Her hair is longer and she's dressed differently in a cream colored sweater, much more feminine than last year. She looks so completely beautiful that I think I might die. Die from her beauty; die from the happiness that her mere presence has filled into my heart. I was so happy to see her again, she was all I could see; then I realized that Ellie was there too. Oh, and I'm at the graduation of the classmates that I had been going to school with for four years now. Except I'm not up there with them, and neither is she. Funny thing that turned out to be. My first reaction was to smile, what had to have been a really goofy smile, and wave. She smiled back at me, that same smile she gave to me at her father's wedding and then mouthed "I love you", I half expected her to do it again. But she didn't, she just kept smiling. And I found myself starting to get lost in her eyes.

_behind crystalline irises _

_loons can dive_

_where the world bleeds white_

The spell was broken when she looked away and at Ellie. Her smile faded and she looked back to me. This time she didn't smile. Now she's looking down and they stand there not really doing anything. I half wonder why the sudden change but I can't let myself worry about that right now. Because she's here. She's real. Or, at least I think she is. I keep staring as if that might clear things up.

_just keep your eyes on her_

_keep don't look away_

_keep your eyes on her horizon_

In the back of my mind I think about how my current, and very real, girlfriend is standing right in front of me chatting away with her friend Emma and other classmates. I realize that she can turn around at any moment and catch me watching Ashley, but I just can't help myself. I suddenly remember how Ash left me for London and that she stayed there with some other guy, away from me. But it's not enough to tear my eyes away. I'll think about that later, right now I just want to keep looking at her.

_and keep your eyes on her_

_keep don't look away_

_keep your eyes on her horizon_

_her horizon_


	2. Strange

Chapter 2: Strange

Ashley's point of view. I'm going to just blatantly ignore the Crellie crush in this story, it would take so much more to address it and I want to focus this more on Crash. Seeing as I do have to deal w/ Cranny as well ;-). This part is pretty angsty, but don't worry all will be well soon enough! ) This chapter is _much _longer than the first!

_Song credit: "Strange" by Tori Amos_

_strange  
thought I knew you well  
thought I had read the sky  
thought I had read a change in your eyes_

Wow. I can't believe that it's really him. It feels like forever since I last saw him, though it's only been about a year. Ok, wow, nevermind that is forever. Craig Manning. My first real love. My first time. My everything, for a while anyway. Until everything just got to be too much for me and even though I loved him so much, I had to get away. For both of our sakes. I didn't know it was going to end up this way. But the look on his face when he saw me almost brought tears to my eyes. He still loves me, I can see it. I know it sounds like I'm full of myself but I don't care. It's true. But everything is so different now.

_so strange  
woke up to a world  
that I am not a part  
except when I can play it's stranger_

He looks great, I just can't quite bear to look at who is standing right next to him though, oblivious to the fact that he is staring at me. Manny Santos. The bane of my existence. Why Craig? Why did you have to go back to _her_? Anyone but her. Is this payback for Ali…God why did I even get involved with him. That was so stupid, and such a rebound. One things for sure it made me appreciate Craig much more.

_after all  
what were you really looking for?  
and I wonder when will I learn?  
blue isn't red everybody knows this  
and I wonder when will I learn?  
when will I learn?_

I turn away to look at Ellie and she looks sad. That's weird, I don't understand why but I can't really think about it right now. It's probably because she doesn't like Manny. I look back at Craig and he's still looking at me, and still standing next to her, so I decide to just stand there with Ellie. There's sort of an awkward silence going on so I suggest we go mingle. Of course, this was stupid because in just a few minutes who do I find myself in front of but the very person I was trying to stay away from. I somehow lost Ellie and he somehow lost Manny (that's a feat in itself!). "Hey" he says to me, just a simple greeting. But I have no idea what to say, I can't even form a thought in my head.

_guess I was in deeper than  
I thought I was  
if I have enough love for the both of us_

"Um, do you want to go somewhere to talk?", for some reason he's looking at me like I'm going to slap him again, like I did when I found out he cheated on me with _her_. "Don't you have a shadow you need to stick close to?" Ok I shouldn't be saying these mean things, but I can't help it. "Wait a minute, shouldn't I be the one making the snotty remarks? You did leave me you know". "Ok, I'm sorry, um, yeah let's get out of this crowd". We walk inside the school and end up in the gymnasium, where he first sang to me and told me he loved me. That was a great memory. It softens me a little. I guess I'm just being defensive because I know that all of this really was my fault and I don't want to face it. He didn't want me to go, even tried to follow me there. But I was firm about him staying behind and it killed me.

"_just stay"  
you said "we'll build a nest"_

"So how's your English boyfriend?" This is how he chooses to start the conversation, go figure, remind me of the biggest mistake I made. "He doesn't exist". "What? You made him up?". He stands up and looks at me incredulously. I had to giggle a little at the ludicrousness of the idea of me inventing Ali, I wish. "No, I mean we broke up". "Oh, ok I guess that was a pretty stupid thing for me to say". "Yeah, but it was funny". "Whatever, Kerwin. So how was London anyway, worth the stay?". Ok, here's my chance I need to start being brave and honest, I'm just going to tear the band-aid right off. "It was amazing, Craig. But…no, it wasn't worth what I did to you and you have to know I'm so sorry for that…" I look down and away from his eyes that despite being sort of angry still show the love I saw earlier, "…more than you can imagine."

_so when the bridges froze  
and you did not come home  
I put our snowflake under a microscope_

"Trust me, I've had a _lot_ of time to think about it, and I understand why you left in the first place. But you really did hurt me bad when you didn't come back. And I had to find out from _Spinner, on my birthday_." Oh God, that makes it so much worse, I could kill Ellie for not listening to me about telling him myself. "I told Ellie that I was going to tell you, I…I was waiting for the right time." He looks up at me and I can see anger in his eyes. "The _right_ time, Ashley? There was no right time for that." He's right, because I never should have done it. I should tell him that but for some reason I can't.

_and I wonder when will I learn?  
maybe my wish  
knew better than I did  
and I wonder when will I learn?  
when will I learn?_

"I don't know what else to say." That's not entirely true. I should say it was all a mistake. I should say I'm an idiot. I should tell him I still love him, and need him, and he should take me back. But I can't do any of that.

_guess I was in deeper than  
I thought I was  
if I have enough love for the both of us_

"It's alright, I guess we're even now huh?" He doesn't say it out of spite, but more in a humorously ironic sort of way. And it is. I can no longer point a finger at him for making the biggest mistake in our relationship. We are pretty much on even ground now. Maybe in a stupid Freudian way that's part of the reason why I did it. I don't know right now.

_so strange  
now I'm finally here  
the party has begun  
it's not like I can't feel you still_

"So, friends?" He has that hopeful look on his face with his eyebrows raised and slight puppy dog eyes. "Yeah, of course…you know you don't have to though…" He cuts me off before I can finish. "Don't be stupid, Ash, I could never stay mad at you; I've had enough time to come to terms with everything." And there it is, the final nail in the coffin. Come to terms. Like, he's over everything. Over me. Maybe I was wrong earlier that he still loves me. It seemed like he did, but I just don't know anymore. "Alright, well I better get back." He starts to get up. "Right. Manny must be waiting." He moves to walk away, but changes his mind and turns to give me a hug. And thus takes all the breath I have left out of my lungs and it hovers in the air somewhere between us. He hugs me tightly and whispers he's glad I'm back. "See you around then?" My breath comes back to me. "Yeah, see ya." And he walks away, just like I walked away from him almost a year ago.

_but strange  
what I will leave behind  
you call me one more time  
but now I must be leaving_


	3. Your Cloud

Chapter 3: Your Cloud

Craig's point of view. One song in this chapter is used differently, you'll see. BTW I'm also going to go ahead and ignore jimash, I think that the kiss was just Ashley showing Jimmy that girls can still be attracted to him, and that's all.

_Song credit: " A Sorta Fairytale" and "Your Cloud" by Tori Amos_

It's been a week since I saw Ash at graduation and we talked. I meant what I said about being friends, and I want to start a clean slate. So I decided to go to her house and see if she wanted to hang out. Manny's off at some audition so it's not like I'm ditching her to go see Ash, right? She got so jealous every time I was hanging out with Ellie though. To the point where I was seriously thinking about breaking up with her, but then I left for Vancouver so things got better with neither of them around. And that was only Ellie. God knows what Manny's going to think of me hanging out with my ex-girlfriend (well, technically ex-fiancee). But everything will be fine. I've learned my lesson. Cheating leads to badness. I guess that would be pretty ironic if I cheated on Manny with Ash. Full circle. But that's not going to happen. We're just friends. Or I think we will be, that's why I'm going to her house. I need to take the first step so we can be okay again.

Toby answers the door and looks surprised to see me. "Hey, Craig, what's up?" "Oh, not much I was just stopping by to see Ash, is she here?" "Yeah, she's in her room listening to Tori Amos as usual, I think she's depressed again." I have to smile at this, nobody understood Ash's tendency to listen to and write somewhat depressing music. "Nah, she just really likes Tori cause she says her lyrics are so deep. It gives her inspiration." "Um, alright, whatever music freaks. Anyway, go on up." "Thanks, Toby." I knock on her door and hear "A Sorta Fairytale" blaring out of her speakers. Uh, the only reason I know those songs is because she used to make me listen to them too. But I didn't mind, I would just watch Ash sing along or we would just lay on her bed together and fall asleep to it. Those were great times. Makes me all nostalgic.

_and I'm so sad  
like a good book I can't put this day back  
it's a sorta fairytale with you  
I could pick back up  
whenever I feel_

The music lowers and I can hear her bed squeak as she gets up to open the door. She opens it and looks surprised to see me, of course. She doesn't have any makeup on and she's wearing only sweats and a T-shirt that I recognize…the old Ramones one I got her for Christmas that crazy mistake of a year. I think she looks great though, I've always liked her better without makeup. "Craig…um, what are you doing here?" "Well it's nice to see you too, friend, I just thought I'd stop by and see what you're up to." I go ahead and make myself at home and sit on her bed. I try not to think about what we once did in that bed. Bad Craig, no thoughts of that, just friends! "Well, let's see, I was…oh yeah, I was just being a bum. Thanks for calling first!" "Ash, who cares like I haven't seen you look like a bum before." I'm happy to see that this lightens things up a bit. She laughs and playfully smacks me. I try not to think of the last time she did that too. "Shut up!" She sits down on her bed also, just way on the other side like I have a contagious disease or something. "So, broke out the old Tori albums again, huh?" "Well, I was bored I thought I might try to write some stuff" "London must have had lots of inspiration, huh?" Her eyes light up a little at this, she's glad that I'm interested without being angry or hurt about London. "Oh yeah, tons. I don't know if half of it is any good though." "I'm sure it is." And I really am, I've never had any doubt in Ashley's talent. I glance down at her bed and see a book that looks vaguely familiar. I reach down for it, she tries to get it before me but I'm too fast. "Hey, is this that journal I gave you before you left!" "Um, yeah, but there's nothing good in it, you don't want to read it." "Are you kidding, of course I do. I can't believe you actually used it." She looks surprised at this. "Why wouldn't I? It was an awesome gift, and it really helped when I got homesick." "Glad to hear it, so you really don't want me to see it?" I give her my best frown and my famous puppy dog eyes. She hates it when I do this. "Okay, that face is not going to work…but, yeah you can read it. You did give it to me so it's only fair." This will be interesting, I will get a glimpse of what Ash was thinking while she was in London. I flip through it and there's a lot of entries describing London and what she did that day. Then there's various lyrics, some scribbled out and some half finished. One catches my eye. She titled it "Your Cloud" and it looks like a completely finished song. I glance up at Ash and she seems to be…embarrassed? But she nods her head to let me know that it's okay to read it. I start to read it in my head.

_where the river cross  
crosses the lake  
where the words jump off my pen  
and into your pages_

The beginning is typical Ash. This one sounds really good. So I keep reading.

_do you think just like that  
you can divide this  
you as yours  
me as mine  
to before we were us  
if the rain has to separate from itself  
does it say_  
"_pick out your cloud"_

I glance back up at her and she's still squirmy. Hmm. Not sure what that's about but I'll ask her about it when I'm finished reading.

_if there is a horizontal line  
that runs from the map  
off your body  
straight through the land  
shooting up  
right through my heart  
will this horizontal line  
when asked know  
how to find  
where you end. where I begin._

how light can play and form a ring of rain  
that can change bows into arrows  
I found a thrill  
who we were  
isn't lost  
before we were us  
indigo is his own  
blue always knew this

"Wow, Ash that's awesome!" She finally seems to calm down a little, but not completely and I'm still wondering what's going on in that head of hers. "Um, thanks." I suddenly realize why she must be uncomfortable. This is about Ali isn't it? Ugh, why am I such an idiot, why did I insist upon reading it. Now I feel stupid, and mad, and jealous even though I shouldn't. "Don't worry you can chill out, I know it's about _that_ guy you met over there. Sorry, I guess you're right I shouldn't have read it." Now she looks surprised, again, why do I keep having that effect on her? "No! Craig, it's not about Ali…it's…um, it's about us." "Oh, but…oh, okay now I feel like even more of an idiot." So why was she acting that way? It's not like we haven't written songs about each other before. "So why did you look so embarrassed?" She laughs a little and rolls her eyes. "You know, Craig, sometimes you can be so dense when it comes to my lyrics!" "Hey! Give me a break you always write in metaphors!" I see that she's now completely comfortable and I'm glad. We can be friends. Things are back to normal. "Craig, it's about, um, you know…" She's looking at me like I need to catch on to what she's saying because she doesn't want to finish. "You know, the hotel room…do I have to say it?" Oh! There it is, the lightbulb. The song is about our first time. "Oh! Wow, God Ash, I…" "Okay, and now I'm embarrassed again." "No! Don't be. The song is, it's beautiful Ash. Thank you." "For what?" "For writing it, and for letting me read it." She smiles that brilliant smile I've been wanting to see since we first saw each other again last week. "You're welcome." Okay, now I really have to go. After reading that and being in her room, I realize it's going to take a while before we can fully be friends again. "Well…I have to get going, Joey wants me home early tonight to help with dinner." "Oh, okay well thanks for stopping by." "Thanks for having me, it was nice we should do it again sometime. I'm here for two months before I have to go back to Vancouver so we'll have time." She walks me down the stairs and out the door. "okay, well I'll be seeing you then." "Yeah, you will. Bye, Ash." "Goodnight."

As if fate didn't have enough fun messing with me tonight, wouldn't you know it who do I run into after leaving Ash's house but…Manny. And she does not look happy.

Dun dun dun. Okay, sorry had to do a cliffhanger there!


	4. No More Words

Chapter 4: No More Words

Okay, this chapter is going to be a bit different in terms of POV. Even though Craig was last chapter's pov he's going to start out this one, and then Ash will take over at the end. This song might imply that Craig has told Manny he loves her, but for the record, he has not, ever. The lyrics fit nevertheless.

Two words: Cranny. Trouble.

_Song credit: "No More Words" by Berlin_

Crap. That is the only word echoing through my head right now. Manny looks _really _pissed and I know exactly why. Ok, wait. I have one more thought. Why is she outside of Ashley's house and how the hell did she know I was here? Joey? No way, he's not that stupid. Well, I guess it's now or never. "Hey…what's up?" Did I really just say that? Alright, here it comes. "What's _up_? What's _up_, Craig? Are you kidding me. That's all you have to say." Wow, I've never heard Manny's voice this loud. It kind of hurts. "Ok, step back a second, why are you so mad? If it's because I was hanging out with Ash, that's all we were doing. Hanging out." Now she's smiling, but I know it's one of those fake smiles that girls do when actually they want to bash your head in. "Right, and that's all we were doing a couple years ago, right? Hanging out? I knew this would come back to me. I knew it." "Whoa, Manny slow down I'm telling you nothing happened. How did you even know I was here?" Oops, shouldn't ask that, that makes me look suspicious. Wow I'm really hitting them all out of the park here huh? "Toby told me." Toby? That little…I am going kill him. "…Emma was hanging out with him, Peter, Jt, and Liberty and when I told them I was going to go see you, he said you were here." Does that boy have a brain at all? Man, I'm gonna have to have a talk with him. "Look, Manny I can understand why you are mad but you have to believe me and trust me here…" "Trust you? And what would make me do that? The fact that I never catch you in compromising positions with other girls?..." "If your talking about Ellie…" "Did I say I was finished?" Man, girls can be so mean. "Uh, sorry, continue." "Gee, thanks for your permission. Anyway, the fact that you ever called _me_ from Vancouver, oh no wait that's right I was always calling you. And you want to know the number one reason why I don't trust you Craig?" Do I have to ask why? Yeah, I think that's what she wants me to do. "Why?" "Because in all the time I've been with you, back then and now…have you ever told me you loved me?"

_You're talking it all sounds fair_

_You promise your love how much you care_

_I'm still listening and still unsure_

_Your actions are lacking, nothing is clear_

What? What is she talking about, of course I…oh, no I never have, have I? "Yeah, that's what I thought. And you know why you've never told me that Craig? Because you don't love me." This is so…so…true. Oh my God, Manny is right. I don't love her. I never have. I mean, of course I care about her. And I've tried to convince myself that that was enough but…she's right. I don't love her. I start to speak but she cuts me off. "Don't bother…just let me talk. I might not be able to do this if you start trying to prove me wrong. So don't."

_No more words_

_You're telling me you love me while you're looking away_

_No more words, no more words_

_And no more promises of love_

"I've tried to convince myself that you'll come around. I've thought of saying it to you so many times but I knew if you said it back it would just be so I didn't feel stupid." Yeah, either that or I would've unintentionally made her feel stupid by not knowing what to say…like I did with Ash that first time around, except I really did love her. "And you know what I've decided now? I deserve more than that. I deserve someone that will tell me they love and will mean it."

_I'm looking for a long romance_

_Not a picture of passion or one time chance_

Wow. As much as it sucks that she's breaking up with me right now, I'm actually kind of proud of Manny for finally putting her foot down and not standing for my crap. I never meant to be a bad boyfriend, but I know my heart really hasn't been in it.

_Don't fool your self_

_Your empty passion won't satisfy me_

_I know, so don't pretend that you want me_

_You don't want me, no!_

_Don't promise we can work it out_

_You can leave right now if you're feeling doubt_

"So this is it then, okay? We're over. I can't wait around for you, and I just don't want to anymore. Whether or not you were with Ashley today, it doesn't matter anymore. You've always been with her every time we're together, maybe not physically, but in your heart. Even I could see that." When did Manny gain so much wisdom? She makes a really good point and it kind of scares me. "Manny, I'm so sorry…I don't even know what to say." "Don't say anything, okay, Craig? It's fine, I'll be fine. Goodbye, Craig." And with this, she turns around and walks away. I'm still kind of shocked, but also a little relieved. Well, that sucks, I guess I'm single now.

Ashley's point of view

Okay, is it wrong that I just listened to their entire breakup? I mean, they were right in front of my house so it's technically not my fault that I heard it. Besides the fact that Manny was yelling so loud at one point the entire neighborhood probably knows that Craig and Manny broke up. I can't believe she actually had the guts to do it. Is it also wrong that I'm a little happy to hear her saying that his heart has been with me? Who am I kidding, I'm ecstatic. At this point, I have no idea where Craig and I stand. I'm not even totally sure what I want anymore. At graduation the shock of seeing him again and the guilt from leaving him made me feel like I wanted to get back together. But I just don't know right now. Everything is so confusing. I thought I had moved on in London, but when I got here I knew I didn't. And now Manny basically dumped him, there is no way I'm going to be a rebound from her. And you know what, I don't even know what Craig wants. I guess we'll just stick with this friends thing for now.


	5. Dust

Chapter 5: Dust

Yes, that would be the "Dust" that Craig sang to Ashley. You'll see how it's used here. Same situation as the last chapter with POV's. Begins with Ashley, will switch to Craig.

_Song Credit: "Dust" aka "What I Know" by Jake Epstein, Jim McGrath & Brendon Yorke_

Weeks had passed since Craig and Manny's break up, and of course he came to me to talk about it. Funny how that "friend" thing works out, all of a sudden I get to pseudo-comfort him for getting dumped by the girl that once broke us up. I say pseudo-comfort because honestly he really wasn't all that down about it, I think he just hated the idea of not having a girlfriend, and I did that whole "pat on the back" yeah yeah you'll be fine type thing. It worked quite well for us actually. I tried to tell Craig that maybe he should actually give being single a shot for longer than a few months, it's not that bad when you get used to it. He said he was planning on it. Funny how plans work out too. When you make them, you really are intent on keeping them, but something usually happens and you ultimately have to change your plans.

One day Craig calls and says they just sent him a demo of the songs he recorded and he wants to have me there to listen to it. I tell him I have plans that day but I'll come over later in the night. That's where I am now. At the door to his garage I raise my hand to knock on the door but he opens it before my fist connects with the wood, and pulls me into the room. "Took you long enough, come on." "Okay, ow, my arm should remain in it's socket, thank you." He stops and looks genuinely concerned. "I'm sorry, did I really hurt you?" "No, Craig it's fine. So, are you gonna pop it in or what?" He looks like he's going to jump out of his skin, it's adorable. "Okay, well first of all, there are only 6 songs on it, that's all we got completely finished. But I have more than that." Is he trying to give me a disclaimer so I won't think it sucks or something? "Craig. You don't need to explain about it, I don't care how many songs there are I'm sure it's awesome!" He still looks kind of hesitant, but puts the cd in the stereo anyway and presses play. It takes a second to warm up. Just as I'm getting comfortable on the couch, I hear a familiar tune, and words I could never forget.

_I don't know if you'll forgive me  
for being so blind to how you felt_

Oh my God. He recorded this song? I can't believe he put it on there. I look up at him and he's looking at me, trying to figure out what I'm thinking. So I just smile.

_don't ask me why I couldn't see it  
and it'd take me years to figure out_

This song carries so many memories that come rushing back to me. Craig onstage singing it to me in the audience, his apology for screwing up our relationship the first time around. Us playing it together preparing for the free recording, only to have him kick me out of the band then run out of the recording to tell me the recording studio would always be there, but he wasn't so sure about me. And the recording studio was there for him again, and me? Well, I'm here aren't I?

_and that's not something I know much about  
but there's only one way to find out_

I really want to say something to him. But I'm overcome by the feeling to do something else. Something I know I really shouldn't do, but I find myself doing it anyway. Damn this song.

_what I know  
is that I hurt you, oh  
what I know is that I suck  
and what I know is that I'm sorry_

I stand up and walk toward him, he looks confused and moves to stop the cd. I grab his hand to stop him, and use my other hand to reach around his head and place it on the back of his neck. And then I just do it.

_what I know  
is that I'm loser, yeah  
what I know is I screwed up  
and that I never earned your trust  
what I know  
is that everything I touch  
just turns to dust_

Craig's Point of View

Okay, so one minute she's listening to the song, and I think she's happy that I put it on the cd. How could I not? The next thing I know, we're kissing. Apparently this song is like an Ashley magnet. Every time I sing it, something happens with her. Okay, it's not like I made it like that on purpose, how was I supposed to know this would happen? I lose my train of thought as she pushes me onto the couch, only breaking apart from me to ask if Joey is home. Joey? Who cares about Joey? Oh, I get it. "Uh, no actually he's at Diane's and Angie is at her grandma's." She gets this wicked smile on her face that I've never seen before, I kinda like it. "Let's go to your room, then." Whoa. She wants to…okay well I guess I could have guessed that and of course I want to but… A part of me says that we shouldn't do this, it's not right right now. Then again another part of me says shut up and it's really hard not to listen to that part, it makes a really strong argument. So I take her up to my room and she pushes me onto my bed. When did Ash get so aggressive? She pulls off my shirt, and let's her newly long hair trickle down my chest as she moves to place a kiss right over my heart. I knew I was loving the longer hair.

Everything from here starts to go really fast and almost too fast where I don't quite even know what's going on anymore. So I pull away. She looks confused, and a little annoyed. I look down at her and the song she wrote about us pops into my head. Her body really is like a map, and I know this map really well. I kiss her neck, and make my way down all the way to her belly button. She stops me before I can go any further. "Come here." Don't have to tell me twice.

Of all the times we've been together like this, this has to be one of the best. Right up there with the first time. There's just something about not having her for the longest time, and then getting to be with her again. It's like the first time you have the best food in the world again after you haven't had it in what seems like forever. I love just holding her afterwards, she always always falls asleep first, and this time isn't any different. The words come out before I can stop them, "I love you." She stirs a little, but I don't think she heard me. It's okay, I think she knows anyway. And you know what? I think I have an idea for another song.


	6. It's Only Love

Chapter 6: It's Only Love

This one is just Ash's point of view. More angst, unfortunately but I'll start off with some sugary sap! )

_Song Credit: It's Only Love by Heather Nova_

I've decided that Craig sleeping is one of my favorite things. I've been laying here for fifteen minutes already, just watching him sleep. It's cheesy, I know, and a little freaky too, but I can't help it. He's just so darn cute. But I'm going to have to stop soon, I need to get home before my mom starts calling me to tell me it's late. I debate on whether or not I should wake him up when he decides for me. He opens his eyes, and looks a little startled at me propped up by my hand just watching him. "Hey you, sleep well?" "You know, not really I had this nagging feeling that someone was watching me." "Oh. You jerk!" I playfully push him, and unfortunately, start a war. "Oh I see how it is, you want to push? Okay, well than I guess it's alright if I…tickle you!" "Nooo, Craig…okay, okay stop…" He knows how ticklish I am so he relents pretty quickly. "That'll teach you for calling me a jerk." "Whatever. Jerk." I smile at him and rest my chin on his chest. This is nice. A thought occurs to me. "Hey, we didn't even get to finish listening to your cd." He laughs. "Believe me, it's alright. We'll listen some other time." "Promise?" "Of course." Suddenly, his face becomes serious, "Come with me." "What?" Go with him, where…oh. "To Vancouver?" "Yeah, we can get an apartment just like I said before and you can help me with the recording process…" He sounds so excited I almost want to jump on board but someone has to be the realist here and I hate myself for having to always be the one. "What about school? I still have to graduate high school, remember? Not to mention the fact that my mother would never allow it." Apparently, he's not that easily faltered. "You can go to school over there, and your mom let you stay in another country for a year…" "With my dad." His face falls a little, now he's starting to see my side. I hate making his face do that. "Oh, right. Well it was just a thought. An impulsive little thought, you know me." I give him a smile and hold his face with my hand. "It was a nice thought." I also give him a kiss hoping that will make it a little better. That gets a smile. "Alright, well, I need to go home now. It's getting late." "What? Oh, come on, I'm sure your mom doesn't even know you're still out." I have to laugh at his pathetic attempt at reasoning with me. "Gee thanks, my mom doesn't know I exist." I move to get out of the bed but Craig wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me back in. "But I do." Then he starts placing kisses on my shoulder. Okay, I have to admit, it is a little convincing. But not enough. Because this is the time that my mother chooses to call me. Craig groans while I move to answer my phone. "Okay, so she does know you're still not home." I try to make my conversation with my mom as brief as I can. "Hi mom, I'm just leaving. Yes, I'll be careful. Okay, love you too. Bye." By the time I hang up, Craig is already fully dressed again. "Aww, no fair." I give him my best pouty look. "Hey, don't play with me missy, you know I can keep you here a lot longer and get your mom even madder at you." And he would too. "How bout I take a raincheck on that?" "You can count on it." I quickly get dressed, as soon as we managed to spot my shirt hanging from the back corner of his dresser. How we manage to always get our clothes in the weirdest places I'll never know. He walks me to the door and gives me a quick kiss. "Wait, how are you getting home?" I nod towards my mom's car parked on the street. "She let me use it tonight." "Alright, well call me when you get in." "Okay, goodnight." "Goodnight."

We spent the rest of that week being a couple without actually acknowledging that we were a couple. This week was his last full one here until he has to go back to Vancouver. We spent today just hanging out in his garage coming up with some ideas for possible new songs he can record. That's when he drops the bomb on me. "So, I know this is usually the girl thing to do but since you haven't done it yet…what are we?" "Huh?" He rolls his eyes, must've learned that from me. "C'mon, Ash you know what I'm saying. I'm going to be leaving soon. Am I going as a taken man or am I single?" I've been having such a good time with Craig, it really has been amazing. But we're going our separate ways. I thought it was sort of an unspoken thing that we both knew about. "Craig, I'm going back to high school. You're recording an album and living out your dream. You deserve to be free and do what you want. I don't want you to blame me for holding you back." Oh, great. Now he's mad, how did I know this was going to happen like this. "Holding me back? What I deserve? Ash I don't need you to tell me what I deserve…" "Exactly." "But that doesn't mean I don't need you." Great, and he's making it difficult. Fabulous.

_I used to think that I knew what we needed  
just assumed we would always be fine  
now I don't think that we lost the feeling  
but we let everything build up inside_

"I'm sick of hurting each other, Craig, that's all we do." "So don't." He's really not giving this up easily is he? "I just, I don't know if we can do it. Maybe we're just not supposed to." He gets up and starts pacing. I can tell he's really mad now and he probably wants to throw something. But I can't just give in. I need to look out for both of us.

_it's only love  
but love should make us strong  
it's only love  
but love has been hurting so long_

"You know what your real problem is, Ashley?" Maybe he's mad enough now to start agreeing with me. "What's that?" "You're scared." What? Me, scared. That's ridiculous. "I'm not…" "You're afraid that if you actually did something kind of crazy it might just work out. And then you'd be stuck with me. And it would be real and it would be scary sometimes, but it would be us."

_what a challenge, honesty  
what a struggle to learn to speak  
who'd have thought that  
pretending was easier_

"Fine. Maybe I am scared, but the only thing I'm scared of is us getting hurt again." "But it doesn't have to happen that way, Ash. Sometimes things actually do work out." Ugh, he's not supposed to be doing this. This isn't the way it was supposed to go.

_and its all a part of me, tearin' my heart  
only love  
and it's all an eternity, hoping to learn  
only love_

"You're always trying to make sure things are so stable and perfect before you get into anything. But you're not seeing that it can't just be perfect. You have to keep working on it. And you can't run away from it. You can't run away from me, Ash. Not this time."

_there's a part of you I'm trying to reach  
still a part I don't know  
tell me, is devotion a gift or a thief?  
do you wish I'd let go?_

And now I'm crying. God why won't he just let it go. If it's meant to be than we'll find each other again. "I just…I just think if we let it go. Maybe there's a better time for us later." Suddenly, he grabs me by the shoulders, not forcefully but just enough so that I'll pay attention to him. "There is no better time. You can't wait around for something to mold to your liking. What do YOU WANT, Ashley? Because you know what I think. I think you already know, you're just afraid to do it. Look, I know where I am at. You need to figure out where you are. When you do, you know where I'll be." With that, he reaches for his plane ticket and throws it down on the dresser next to me, and walks out of the garage.

_it's only love  
but love should make us strong  
it's only love  
but love has been hurting so long_


	7. With or Without You

Chapter 7: With or Without You

Craig point of view. Will Ashley change her mind before it's too late?

fyi: I'm not great with the airport lingo/process so just go with it.

Song credit: With or Without You by U2

So here I am. All packed and sitting in the airport lobby and ready to go. Ash didn't come to see me off. Maybe she did mean what she said in the garage. Well, at least I said my peace. I didn't believe a word she was saying. But if she convinced herself than I guess it really isn't meant to be for us. Not this time around anyway. Still, part of me hopes that she might show.

_see the stone set in your eyes  
see the thorn twist in your side.  
I wait for you._

Every girl I spot with brown hair makes me jump just a little, thinking that it might be her. But every single one of them isn't her. Why did she have to be so difficult? I love her. And I know she loves me. Isn't that enough?

_sleight of hand  
and twist of fate  
on a bed of nails she makes me wait  
and I wait without you  
with or without you_

"First call for flight 410 to Vancouver, now boarding." Great. Okay, then. I'll give it five more minutes, then I'll go get in line to board. Come on, Ash, I know you're coming, just move faster.

_through the storm we reach the shore  
you gave it all but I want more  
and I'm waiting for you  
with or without you  
I can't live with or without you_

I look at my watch. Crap. Five minutes are up. Alright then, it's time to go. She just better not call me when I'm there asking me to come back. Cause, damn it, I probably would go. I make my way to the gate and stand in the line that has formed. I think about looking around still but resign myself not to. Instead I need to start convincing myself that this is for the best and figure out how to get over her. Again. Did I really accomplish that the first time though? I think I hear my name but realize that I'm just starting to become delirious to block the pain. I did take my meds right? Yeah of course, I never miss them. Crap I swear I hear it again, so this time I look up. I see a flash of a girl behind a ton of people moving through the airport running full speed my way. No way. Did she really come?

_and you give yourself away  
and you give, and you give  
and you give yourself away_

Amazingly, as if I'm in a movie the crowd manages to part all at once and there she is. I'm not crazy after all. She did come. Now I'm so happy I don't know whether to scream or cry and I hope she's not here just to tell me that she wanted to "say goodbye".

_my hands are tied, my body bruised  
she got me with nothing to win  
and nothing left to lose_

When she finally reaches me, she throws her arms around me and nearly knocks me over in the process. But I don't mind. This isn't a goodbye hug. This is a "I never want to leave you again" hug. I know the feeling. Then she grabs my face and kisses me like my oxygen is the only thing that will keep her living. People are watching us, I can feel their eyes. But neither of us care. They can have their show. I've got my girl back.

_and you give yourself away  
and you give yourself away  
and you give, and you give  
and you give yourself away_

Ashley won't stop kissing me all over my face until I take her shoulders and gently push her away so I can get a good look at her. Her face is stained with tears but she has a smile on her face. "God my lungs are burning." This makes me smile even wider. "Out of shape there, Kerwin." "Hey, yours would be too if you ran halfway from the parking lot because the cab driver was too slow and all the way through this huge place. I thought I was going to be too late." I'm so glad she wasn't. "Well, no offense, but I'm glad your lungs burn." She throws her head back and laughs, I love seeing her this way. "Me too. Makes me feel alive, or maybe that's just being here with you. I love you." "I know. I love you too." Suddenly, we're interrupted by the lady on the intercom, "Last call for flight 410 to Vancouver. Now boarding." Okay, she's here but I have no idea what she wants to do. "So, where do we go from here." Ashley looks at me like I just said the stupidest thing in the world. "You heard the lady, Vancouver." And my heart swells with joy and pride at that, she's coming with me. "So, you're coming then?" "Yep, I'm coming. You're stuck with me now." "I wouldn't have it any other way." For some reason, now I'm the one that is struck with the serious thoughts, "But what about your mom, school, your ticket, your clothes." She arches an eyebrow. "Since when are you worried about me not having clothes?" "Ash, I'm being serious." "I know, mom has given up the fight with me to stop me from doing what I have to do to be happy. She knows you make me happy and I'm an adult now so she really can't object. I bought a ticket online. She's going to come out next week to bring me my stuff and make sure we get situated. As for school, I'll enroll in one out there. See, I can plan stuff and still take a chance." Ah, she always has to have the last word and prove me wrong. It's okay, it's part of what I love about her. I take her hand and lace my fingers in hers. "So, you ready then? It's time to start our new life. This is it." "I'm ready." And ignoring the annoyed looks of the impatient airport workers, we finally walk through the gates and make our way onto the plane.

_with or without you  
I can't live with or without you_


	8. Further From Myself Epilogue

Chapter 8/Epilogue: Further From Myself

Alright, last chapter. It's sad for me but I had so much fun writing this.

Ashley's point of view. That song Craig said he thought of in Chapter 5 finally makes it's appearance.

_Song credit: Further From Myself by Pillar_

It's been about a month since we got out here, and it's been great. Tonight is Craig's big debut show for the record label. I can tell he's nervous, but he acts like he's not. There's this one song he wants to premiere and he still hasn't let me listen to it or read the lyrics so I'm dying to find out what it is. All he will tell me is that it's about me and he came up with it after we had slept together again that one night. To pay him back a little for making me wait, I bought a new dress for tonight that I won't let him see until I get there. He has to be there ahead of time to do sound check with the other bands that are slated to play.

After cleaning up the apartment and doing my hair and makeup, I slip on my dress and head out to the club the concert is being held at. When Craig sees me his jaw drops just a little and I'm happy that I got the reaction I was looking for. I come up to him, give him a quick kiss on the cheek and whisper in his ear, "You should see what's underneath the dress." "Aww now that's just not right." I stick my tongue out at him and laugh at his pouty face. "Well, I just hope this song can live up to my dress." Craig grins at this, "Oh, no worries. It will." It's seven o'clock and the first band goes on. Not too many people have shown up yet, but Craig's on second so it should be a better crowd by then. We're standing at the side of the stage but he pulls me farther away so we can hear each other. "So, as it turns out, the song isn't the only surprise I have for you tonight." "Oh?" He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a very familiar piece of jewelry then lowers himself down on one knee. We've been through this before but my heart jumps anyway because I really wasn't expecting it. "Okay so I know this is my second time doing this and I know you still need to get through school and I need to finish up my record. But I also know that this is it for us. There's no reason to wait to do this because it's going to happen again anyway. People stay engaged all the time for a few years before they get married. And I've never been more sure of anything in my life as much as I'm sure that we are going to love each other forever. So, Ashley Kerwin, for the second time, will you marry me?" First of all, he didn't need that huge speech, but I love him even more for doing it because he thought it's what I needed. "Yes, Craig Manning, I will marry you." His face lights up as if he was a tiny but unsure that I would say yes. So he slips the ring on my finger and stands up to lift me up and spin me around. "I love you." I wink at him knowing that he'll remember the last time I said what I'm about to say, "Perfect. I love you too." We hold hands and walk over to watch the rest of the band's set from the side of the stage. I rest my head on his shoulder and can't help but keep this goofy grin on my face, we're really going to spend our lives together and now it's official. I'm so happy.

The band finishes up and someone brings Craig his guitar. I give him a kiss for good luck and tell him so. "I don't need anymore luck, I'm already the luckiest guy in the world." With that someone introduces him and he runs out onto the stage. It's amazing to see him this way. Doing what he does best. "Hey, how's everyone doing out there?" There's various applause, cheers, and whistles from the audience. "I'm Craig Manning and I wanted you people to be the first to know that I just got engaged to the most beautiful, wonderful girl who's standing just over to my right on the side of the stage." People cheer louder for this. Of course he would announce it, but this time I don't mind at all. I'm glad he did actually. "Well this first song is about her and it's the first time she's hearing it too so let's hope she likes it huh? So, here it is, it's called Further From Myself."

_It's pressure the pleasures measure  
The pressure is overbearing  
Is it me myself that's caring  
For every double-minded joy  
And I admit that when I submit to you  
I feel so unreal when I'm still  
When I'm waiting for you to reveal  
And from myself I seem so far away_

_And I admit that when I submit to you  
I can see all of the selfish things I do  
I'm further, further from myself  
When I'm next to you  
When I run to you_

As he continues the song I start to think about all we've gone through. It's strange to think that we're only 18. I know it was all worth it and I'm so glad he never let me give up on us. I spend the rest of the time listening to the song and playing with the ring that found its new home on my left hand.

_Well I was wasted embraced it but faced it  
With you inside my heart you replaced it  
Can't believe you have erased it  
Selfishness and foolish pride  
And I admit that when I submit to you  
I can see all of the selfish things I do  
I'm further, further from myself  
When I'm next to you  
When I run to you_

_Further from my future  
Further from my past  
Further from the starting line  
Further from the last  
Further from my doubts  
Further from my fears  
Further from temptations that I faced throughout my years  
Further from agitation  
Further from the distractions  
The reactions of the dissatisfactions of others actions  
Further from myself  
Further from my flesh  
Further from my birth and I'm  
Further from my death  
I'm further, further from myself  
When I'm next to you  
When I run to you_

I wipe some tears away that escaped from my eyes and give him my best smile and blow a kiss when he looks my way to see if the song got my approval. He finishes up his set and it's clear that the crowd loved him. Looks like I'm going to have a superstar on my hands. As we walk out of the club Craig puts his arm around me and stop to catch a cab. I can get used to life like this. We have so much more to plan, but I know that everything is going to work out as long as we're together.


End file.
